My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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