I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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