my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
