I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
