What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
