As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
