She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
