I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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