im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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