i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
