smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just invented taco cereal.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
