Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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