Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
