guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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