I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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