She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
