Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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