You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
