I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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