i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
