So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
