yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just gargled with NyQuil
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
