were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Hippo gnu deer
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
