just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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