She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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