Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
its liver damage thursday
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
