You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Randomize
