Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
