Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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