Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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