Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
