Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
