I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
