Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
either way he was missing a nipple.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
