its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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