I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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