but the lizard people decide everything anyway
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
