We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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