it was like his penis was on wheels.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Panties = found
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
