i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
