It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
