the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
