In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
