I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
