Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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