i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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