i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
