She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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