so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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