We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
