giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
